Trusting God While Anxiety-ridden
TRUSTING GOD IN UNCERTAINTY
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
It has been a struggle to write over the past two weeks. I have been in a season of a lot of rapid change in the past two weeks. My life was going pretty steadily, work, home, church basically. Then I was thrusted into this new business opportunity. Before I could catch my breath, I was on zoom calls with a mentor and had a bunch or reading and audios assigned to me. The first call with my mentor was during my lunch break at work, I went into the call not knowing what to expect. I hadn’t even had a chance to ask questions to the acquaintance who introduced me to this mentor. The call was very challenging because he challenged me to start to change my mindset from an employee to a business owner. Prior to meeting him, I had already delved into entrepreneurship with starting this faith blog, a travel blog and a Christian fashion website. But I was sinking back into the comfort and security of having a job. After the call, I felt very flustered and quite overwhelmed. Every part of me wanted to just retreat into my shell. I heard the loud voices in my head “Bernice you are not ready to undertake this, you are still in therapy, all this will definitely trigger you and set you back.” I had so much doubt, fear and insecurity crip on which became paralyzing. I believe I cried and a significant part of me couldn’t wait to talk to my therapist in hopes that she will agree with my fears and tell me that I am not ready to start any business as I am still fragile.
A big symptom of C-PTSD is hypervigilance or lack of trust. I see the world through trauma cracked glasses. The world is a big, evil scary place with evil people whose mission is to use and abuse people, especially the naïve people. I had so much distrust about this seemingly Godfearing kind woman I had met and this mentor she had introduced me to. Then when I found out it was a networking model, I was ready to block their numbers and run far away. However, a part of me was telling me to stay and give them a chance. The logical part of me could recognize that it was the trauma talking and just the discomfort of getting out of my comfort safe zone.
It was the weekend before my therapy session when God intervened by sending me a message by Pastor Sarah Jakes Robert on “The mystery of Grace”. That message was so powerful and it reminded me that God’s grace is more than sufficient for me. It reminded me that I wasn’t counting on my power, or strength or size of my ambition or my willingness but I was truly relying on the only one who will make things I desire possible. The message made me reflect on the fact that the same God who brought me from the abyss of darkness and despair by His wonderful love and grace, is the same unchangeable God who still fights for me daily and orders my steps. I was reminded that feelings of doubt, fear and insecurity were not of God for He gave me a Spirit of Power, love, boldness and self-discipline. I felt empowered after listening to that sermon and I was reminded that all God’s promises are true and He doesn’t withhold His blessings on my life. He has opened up the flood gates of heaven on my life before, liberating me from the bondage I was in and He wouldn’t leave me half way now. This good work which He started in me, He promises to complete till the day of Jesus. Whom or what then shall I fear, when the King of Kings, the Creator of the universe calls me His own special prized possession, His masterpiece. I was reminded that those who trust in the Lord, will mount up on wings like eagles and soar. We will walk and not get weary, we will run and not faint. I was reminded of Jeremiah 11:49 “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to not harm you, but to give you a hope and a future.” I was reminded that true faith is truly trusting God in times of uncertainty. If things in my life were certain then it won’t be faith, and without faith it is impossible to please God.
So, my appointment day with my therapist came and I just matter of fact told her I had started a new business venture and we didn’t dwell on it. She encouraged me and we kept it pushing.
God has promised me a bright and glorious future but honestly when you are in the valley it is hard to see through tear-soaked pillows. He has promised me vindication and that who ever trusts in Him will never be disgraced. I am just so human sometimes and I am very sentimental with a sensitive nature, so I get hurt deeply. I also know that I have a profound capacity to feel joy so I am truly looking forward to when this season of pain and limbo is over. I am reminded that God is a God of seasons and no season is permanent. Some seasons may feel excruciating and never-ending but God is truly close to the brokenhearted as His Word says. He has given me the gift of His precious Holy Spirit to comfort me and oh how He always comes through for me! Thank You Father for always loving me, comforting me, helping me, strengthening me and reminding me that I am so loved and that You always hold my hand and You will never let me go.
Trusting God and leaning not on my own understanding could really be difficult but God is teaching me to trust Him more and more. With each passing day, my confidence in His promises to me grows. As Christians we read His promises but they don’t often take root. Now I strive to read and meditate on His promises and allow them to take root and soon enough I start to sprout and before I know it I will be bearing all sort of good fruit.
John 16:33 Jesus told us that in this world we WILL have trouble but He tells us to take heart as He has overcome the world. Thus we have too who are in Jesus Christ. Jesus Himself intercedes for us to the Father and He promises to give us the desires of our heart if we delight in Him. How easy it is to delight in Him! Even in the midst of heart wrenching soul searing pain, He is an every present help in time of trouble. He understands all our pain because He left His throne of glory, humbled Himself by wrapping Himself in flesh to be like His creation and suffered bitterly for me. I am reminded that even when I feel overwhelmed like I have been, wondering if I have taken on more than I can chew, He reminds me that I can truly do all things through Him who gives me strength. He says we should commit all our plans to Him and He will make our paths straight. Such assurance! The bible is truly God’s love letter to us. His loving promises brings a peace that washes over me. When I try to understand everything, I only get frustrated and He tells reminds me again that many are the plans in the hearts of men, but it is God’s plan and purpose that prevails. I am comforted too and build more confidence as I read phillipians 6:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but through prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to the Lord and the peace that surpasses all understanding with guard by mind and my heart.” I have experienced such peace as manifest by naming my first business attempt “peace beyond understanding.” I am the fertile ground that the seed fell on, I will let Word of God take root and in DUE season I will bear lots of fruit. I know deep down that God will use me as His vessel on this earth to advance His kingdom on earth. I don’t know how, some days I even doubt but I have this rested assurance even in the midst of chaos and uncertainty that God got me. His marvelous grace got me. I know that even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil because His rod and His staff comfort me. He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies and surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever and forever! Such victory!!
Etching God’s promises and knowing His character truly bring me peace because He is unchangeable and at the end of day, I know that all things are working out of my good, even when it doesn’t “feel” like it.
I pray that this message from my heart blessed you and I pray that your trust in God for who He is and the confidence in what He promises, should only grow exponentially.
God’s grace is truly sufficient, and His power is perfected in our weaknesses. Just like Paul, I will boast of my weaknesses; knowing nothing about real estate, the fact that I stutter and scared of public speaking, my highly sensitive nature, my trauma. When I do this and i am excelling in all the above and I become a worldwide mogul the whole world will see that it is was truly only by His grace and mercy and abundant love for me that I am who I am.
Never stop relying on the grace of God. He says it is sufficient and it truly is. Just take it one day at a time and rely not on your own limited understanding but put all your trust in Him.
I pray you may always stand in awe of His grace, and you continue to grow in it.
I love you all.
May God’s peace, love and joy surround you always.
Glory be to God forever and always!!! Praise Jesus!!!
